A is for Abenaki- I'm Abenaki Indian and very very proud. Except when people say we're not a real tribe anymore, and then I get pissed off.
B is for Breast Reduction- Being of a rather busty nature, my back can't take it no mo'. So it's time to surrender to the scalpel and get a new set of knockers.
C is for Cats- Preferable to people. Except when they pee on the floor and kick cat litter all up in this joint.
D is for Dominic Monaghan- Former hobbit and jolly good egg. Is teh sex.
E is for Egg Salad- Something I'm rather good at making. Don't leave it in the sun.
F is for FaerieInCombatBoots- My favored username on the internets for the last eight years.
G is for Graveyards- Cemeteries, boneyards, corpse gardens. Love 'em to death. Pardon the pun.
H is for H Cup- An unbelievable size. My bra cups, bigger than my head.
I is for Internets- Where you can always find me.
J is for Jack Sparrow- Captain Jack Sparrow, if you please.
K is for Kittens- Balls of fluff with sharp little claws. Good cure for depression.
L is for Lady Gaga- Say what you want, her music stole my heart.
M is for Morpheus- The Dream King goes by many names, this is one of my favorites.
N is for Noodles- Om nom nom...
O is for Otters- They eat on their tummies.
P is for Paranormal- A favorite subject to discuss and research.
Q is for Queen Anne Boleyn- My role model when it comes to love and ambition.
R is for Repo! The Genetic Opera- Zydrate comes in a a little glass vial.
S is for Squirrels- Totem animal and all around fluffy good eggs.
T is for Terrance Zdunich- Listen to 'Needle Into a Bug' and you'll understand why he's on this list.
U is for Underwear- You can never have too many pairs.
V is for Vagina Monologues- The best play I've ever been in. Take that Shakespeare!
W is for Winooski- Four years. Many memories. Some good, some bad.
X is for Xanadu- I've never seen Xanadu. I just needed something that begins with X.
Y is for Yan Yan- Tasty snack. Greasy little sticks, sweet creamy stuff.
Z is for Zoloft- A pill a day keeps the crazy away!
Monday, August 29, 2011
Why Dating Sucks When You're Autistic
As it is, dating is confusing for the average person. But when you have an Autism Spectrum disorder like Asperger's or Non-Verbal Learning Disorder, it can be downright harrowing. It's bad enough that we often have issues in everyday social situations, but add hormones and romantic feelings to the mix and we have a clusterfuck of epic proportions. But why is dating so difficult for those of us on the Spectrum? It depends on the individual, but here are some reasons why it's a pain in the ass for me...
1. Eye Contact
One of the symptoms of Autism and related disorders is an inability or difficulty making eye contact. I have had this problem all my life. When I talk to people, my eyes do not rest on them, rather they move all about the room, or stare off into space. I used to get in trouble with teachers at school because of this. People think I'm being rude to them. People misinterpret my inability to make eye contact all the time.
This is where dating comes in. All the 'experts' say, that when it comes to romance, that eye contact is key. When you make eye contact the object of your desire knows that you're attracted to them. Hence the problem, when you can't make eye contact, what's your intended paramour to think? Unless they're aware of your 'condition', will they assume you're not interested? When I met my ex-boyfriend, Scott, I had trouble making eye contact. He didn't know I had NLD, and thought I was displeased with his appearance, which was not true. I thought he was very handsome, I just had trouble looking at him because of the shit going on in my head.
So what can I do? I can practice eye contact with friends and family, I can practice in the mirror. Or I can just let my eyes roll around in whatever damn direction they want to.
2. Social Cues
When you have NLD or Asperger's you miss 'social cues'. Reading facial expressions is difficult, as is discerning the tone of voice. I can't tell if someone is being sarcastic or not, so sometimes when someone asks me out I think they're joking. (Though this could also stem from being teased a lot in high school, and thus no longer being able to trust people.)
Just yesterday, when I was conversing with a young man I rather like, I had trouble telling whether or not he was happy to see me. Even though he was smiling, I wasn't sure about his tone of voice. Did he actually want to be talking to me? Or was he just waiting for me to go away? Was I wasting his time? While I greatly enjoyed being in his presence, I found myself second-guessing everything. Second guessing doesn't help you when it come l'amour. In fact, it's rather hindering. When I can't read cues, I get distressed, I get confused, which is not conducive to the forming of a romantic alliance.
3. Social Graces
We're not rude. We're just stuck in our heads, so sometimes we forget social graces, such as greeting people or making polite inquiries as to one's health. We tend to talk about the same subjects over and over again, and sometimes we say things we're not supposed to. I'm unfortunately blunt. I once told Scott he had a zit on his back. Scott is such a vain man, and such a thing would send him into a frenzy. I knew this, and but let my impulses get the better of me. It ended in him calling me a bitch, and shoving me. While not all people are so unreasonably violent, saying the wrong thing can ruin any romantic prospects. So I have to work on my manners. Like I said, I'm not mean or rude, I just have poor impulses and am so lost in my head that I forget how to be a person and not a squirrel.
4. Hyper-Focusing
We hyper focusing on things, whether they be a specific object, subject or person. Basically, we get obsessive. We can annoy people this way, by talking about the same stuff over and over (see above). This can repel any potential lovers. Trust me, I know. Also, sometimes, when we fall for a person we hyper focus on them, coming off as creepy. I had an ex-boyfriend who displayed the symptoms of Asperger's who actually stalked me for several months following our break up. We get so wrapped up in what we're feeling, or what we're doing that we forget ourselves, and we end up doing something foolish. Look at the infamous "Chris-Chan". Christian Weston Chandler is a young man with high-function Autism who has acquired a reputation for stalking young women whom he desires to have as a 'sweetheart'. This has caused him a lot of grief, humiliation and a large page on Encyclopedia Dramatica. It's rather sad, and I do feel bad for him. I myself have gotten overzealous in the pursuit of love, and have made myself enemies and scared off the object of my affections. This is why hyper-focusing hinders any hopes of romance.
5. Emotional Imbalance
Sometimes we're either too numb or feeling too much. This affects all our relationships, romantic and platonic. People think we're either uncaring or crazy. We're not, we just have trouble gaging our emotions and their reactions. Therapy and medication helps, but not by much.
6. Anxiety
I don't need to go into this one too deeply, do I? It's obvious, anxiety severely hampers romance in all its fields. It makes dates difficult, and it makes sex incredibly awkward. Watch to anxious people try to have sex with each other. It's a total clusterfuck. Pardon the pun.
So there we have it. This is why dating is such a pain in the ass for me. And this is only the tip of the iceberg. I'm certain there's more brain weasels making it a chore for me to find love. So if you're interested in getting into my black skinny jeans, or I'm interested in showing you the Love Weasels, bear in mind, it's not you. It's me. Really. It's me. If it was you, I would say so.
1. Eye Contact
One of the symptoms of Autism and related disorders is an inability or difficulty making eye contact. I have had this problem all my life. When I talk to people, my eyes do not rest on them, rather they move all about the room, or stare off into space. I used to get in trouble with teachers at school because of this. People think I'm being rude to them. People misinterpret my inability to make eye contact all the time.
This is where dating comes in. All the 'experts' say, that when it comes to romance, that eye contact is key. When you make eye contact the object of your desire knows that you're attracted to them. Hence the problem, when you can't make eye contact, what's your intended paramour to think? Unless they're aware of your 'condition', will they assume you're not interested? When I met my ex-boyfriend, Scott, I had trouble making eye contact. He didn't know I had NLD, and thought I was displeased with his appearance, which was not true. I thought he was very handsome, I just had trouble looking at him because of the shit going on in my head.
So what can I do? I can practice eye contact with friends and family, I can practice in the mirror. Or I can just let my eyes roll around in whatever damn direction they want to.
2. Social Cues
When you have NLD or Asperger's you miss 'social cues'. Reading facial expressions is difficult, as is discerning the tone of voice. I can't tell if someone is being sarcastic or not, so sometimes when someone asks me out I think they're joking. (Though this could also stem from being teased a lot in high school, and thus no longer being able to trust people.)
Just yesterday, when I was conversing with a young man I rather like, I had trouble telling whether or not he was happy to see me. Even though he was smiling, I wasn't sure about his tone of voice. Did he actually want to be talking to me? Or was he just waiting for me to go away? Was I wasting his time? While I greatly enjoyed being in his presence, I found myself second-guessing everything. Second guessing doesn't help you when it come l'amour. In fact, it's rather hindering. When I can't read cues, I get distressed, I get confused, which is not conducive to the forming of a romantic alliance.
3. Social Graces
We're not rude. We're just stuck in our heads, so sometimes we forget social graces, such as greeting people or making polite inquiries as to one's health. We tend to talk about the same subjects over and over again, and sometimes we say things we're not supposed to. I'm unfortunately blunt. I once told Scott he had a zit on his back. Scott is such a vain man, and such a thing would send him into a frenzy. I knew this, and but let my impulses get the better of me. It ended in him calling me a bitch, and shoving me. While not all people are so unreasonably violent, saying the wrong thing can ruin any romantic prospects. So I have to work on my manners. Like I said, I'm not mean or rude, I just have poor impulses and am so lost in my head that I forget how to be a person and not a squirrel.
4. Hyper-Focusing
We hyper focusing on things, whether they be a specific object, subject or person. Basically, we get obsessive. We can annoy people this way, by talking about the same stuff over and over (see above). This can repel any potential lovers. Trust me, I know. Also, sometimes, when we fall for a person we hyper focus on them, coming off as creepy. I had an ex-boyfriend who displayed the symptoms of Asperger's who actually stalked me for several months following our break up. We get so wrapped up in what we're feeling, or what we're doing that we forget ourselves, and we end up doing something foolish. Look at the infamous "Chris-Chan". Christian Weston Chandler is a young man with high-function Autism who has acquired a reputation for stalking young women whom he desires to have as a 'sweetheart'. This has caused him a lot of grief, humiliation and a large page on Encyclopedia Dramatica. It's rather sad, and I do feel bad for him. I myself have gotten overzealous in the pursuit of love, and have made myself enemies and scared off the object of my affections. This is why hyper-focusing hinders any hopes of romance.
5. Emotional Imbalance
Sometimes we're either too numb or feeling too much. This affects all our relationships, romantic and platonic. People think we're either uncaring or crazy. We're not, we just have trouble gaging our emotions and their reactions. Therapy and medication helps, but not by much.
6. Anxiety
I don't need to go into this one too deeply, do I? It's obvious, anxiety severely hampers romance in all its fields. It makes dates difficult, and it makes sex incredibly awkward. Watch to anxious people try to have sex with each other. It's a total clusterfuck. Pardon the pun.
So there we have it. This is why dating is such a pain in the ass for me. And this is only the tip of the iceberg. I'm certain there's more brain weasels making it a chore for me to find love. So if you're interested in getting into my black skinny jeans, or I'm interested in showing you the Love Weasels, bear in mind, it's not you. It's me. Really. It's me. If it was you, I would say so.
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Desire and Despair
There is a very good and very obvious reason that when Neil Gaiman created The Endless, that he made Desire and Despair twins. They go together.
Have you ever wanted something, or someone? Everyone has felt desire at one point or another, it's only human. Desire can be a rapturous feeling, like riding a roller coaster. Desire can lead to creativity, life and all sort of wonderful things But desire has a dark side. It can be painful, it can keep you awake at night, when you see the object of your desire in another's hands, it induces feelings of anger and jealousy. People have done hideous things in the name of desire. Henry VIII is a prime example of how desire can lead to disaster and destruction. In the wake of his passion, many lay dead or heartbroken, including his wives, best friends and children.
So have you ever wanted something or someone, and gone to great lengths to obtain it, or thought about it constantly, made it the first thing in your mind, only to have it denied to you? It hurts. It hurts to have your object of passion denied you. When your heart has been ripped out and thrown on the ground only to be stepped on by uncaring, unfeeling assholes, is when Lady Despair take residence in your empty chest cavity.
Ah, despair. That gray-clad crone whose touch makes me think of freezing cold hovels, and dreary damp days. She lurks in cemeteries and refugee camps and she lurks in my heart.
Despair feels like wanting to cry, but having the tears freeze in your eyes before they have a chance to fall. Despair is like sitting by yourself at lunch everyday, because everyone thinks you're weird and won't talk to you. Despair is that feeling you get when you ask someone out and they look at you like you're a monster. Like sending a love note that gets ignored and ripped up, and you find the remains on the ground, knowing they've been unread. I can go to great lengths about what despair is like, because I know her like the back of my hand, it's like I've always known, it's like she's been by my side since the day I was born, waiting for me.
"Be happy now," she says.
"But I'll be coming for you sooner or later. I always come back,"
She always comes back. She is a constant. Desire comes and goes, settling in my heart and my belly, setting things afire and getting my hopes up with her promises and her insinuations. She's a tease. But when she's had her fill of me, she departs, taking everything she can, while her sister Despair creeps into my empty chest cavity and mind, making herself comfortable, giving me headaches, stomachaches and the longing to fall asleep and never wake up.
All this puts me in mind of a quote by Neil Gaiman, regarding that foolish emotion known as love, he writes:
Thank you, Mr. Gaiman, for perhaps the truest words ever spoken. It's true. If only he'd never once looked at me, perhaps I wouldn't be having tea with Lady Despair.
Have you ever wanted something, or someone? Everyone has felt desire at one point or another, it's only human. Desire can be a rapturous feeling, like riding a roller coaster. Desire can lead to creativity, life and all sort of wonderful things But desire has a dark side. It can be painful, it can keep you awake at night, when you see the object of your desire in another's hands, it induces feelings of anger and jealousy. People have done hideous things in the name of desire. Henry VIII is a prime example of how desire can lead to disaster and destruction. In the wake of his passion, many lay dead or heartbroken, including his wives, best friends and children.
So have you ever wanted something or someone, and gone to great lengths to obtain it, or thought about it constantly, made it the first thing in your mind, only to have it denied to you? It hurts. It hurts to have your object of passion denied you. When your heart has been ripped out and thrown on the ground only to be stepped on by uncaring, unfeeling assholes, is when Lady Despair take residence in your empty chest cavity.
Ah, despair. That gray-clad crone whose touch makes me think of freezing cold hovels, and dreary damp days. She lurks in cemeteries and refugee camps and she lurks in my heart.
Despair feels like wanting to cry, but having the tears freeze in your eyes before they have a chance to fall. Despair is like sitting by yourself at lunch everyday, because everyone thinks you're weird and won't talk to you. Despair is that feeling you get when you ask someone out and they look at you like you're a monster. Like sending a love note that gets ignored and ripped up, and you find the remains on the ground, knowing they've been unread. I can go to great lengths about what despair is like, because I know her like the back of my hand, it's like I've always known, it's like she's been by my side since the day I was born, waiting for me.
"Be happy now," she says.
"But I'll be coming for you sooner or later. I always come back,"
She always comes back. She is a constant. Desire comes and goes, settling in my heart and my belly, setting things afire and getting my hopes up with her promises and her insinuations. She's a tease. But when she's had her fill of me, she departs, taking everything she can, while her sister Despair creeps into my empty chest cavity and mind, making herself comfortable, giving me headaches, stomachaches and the longing to fall asleep and never wake up.
All this puts me in mind of a quote by Neil Gaiman, regarding that foolish emotion known as love, he writes:
“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.”
Thank you, Mr. Gaiman, for perhaps the truest words ever spoken. It's true. If only he'd never once looked at me, perhaps I wouldn't be having tea with Lady Despair.
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
What I've Learned About Love
"I learned love is like a brick you can, build a house or sink a dead body," -Lady Gaga, Judas
Truer words never spoken, Mother Monster. Despite being the advanced age of twenty two, I know very little about love. Even though I had my first boyfriend at the tender age of eleven, I am still woefully ignorant of how romance and dating works, at least in a conventional sense. I have my own methods of attracting a lover, and my own habits when it comes to personal relationships, some of which, have lead to disaster. The following is a list of the various lessons I have learned about that crazy little thing called love. Some of them came to me easily, but others, took me a little while to figure out.
1. Long Distance is a Bitch.
I've been in two long distance relationships, and both of them ended in disaster. The first came to me at the tender age of 17. I was dating a young man named Arthur, whom I had known in school. We both left the little town of Willsboro, and moved to Vermont, though on opposite sides of the Green Mountain State. We maintained a relationship for five months, and despite the fact he lived only three hours away, he never visited me.
My second long distance relationship, lasted four years. I met Scott at Anime Boston in April of 2007, and we ended the relationship in April of 2011. It was a very toxic romance, fraught with emotional and verbal abuse, and a great deal of stress. Contributing to a majority of stress, one of the factors that led to our inevitable downfall, was the the fact that he lived in New Jersey, and I live in Vermont. The distance was painful. When we were in love, it was difficult going long periods of time without seeing each other. It was difficult raising money to pay for the bus tickets, and when we did finally see each other, we were so emotionally stressed out, that every visit was a CATASTROPHE. Another problem, was that neither of us really knew what the other one was doing, inciting paranoia, and a shit load of mind games. Eventually, the long distance, combined with our personal issues caused our messy breakup. Lesson learned? Long distance sucks. At least it does for me.
2. You Can Be TOO Honest
I am a ridiculously honest person. I am honest to the point of telling you too much information, or hurting people's feelings with my lack of tact. If I keep secrets, I start to feel physically sick. As you can imagine, this often ruins relationships for me, especially romantic ones.
Scott wanted to know everything I was doing. He used my honesty against me. He knew I didn't like keeping secrets. So I'd tell him everything. I'd tell him everything I did, everything I thought, everyone I hung out with. I told him if guy hit on me, I told him if a girl hit on me. I told him if I was thinking of an ex-boyfriend, or if I was curious about dating women. Each time he'd get pissed, and when I ask him if he as mad at me, he'd say no, that he was glad I told him. Then he'd tell me to stop hanging around whoever it was that had displeased him by showing me more attention than he did.
People would tell me that I didn't need to tell him everything. It was none of his business. But I started to equate not telling him every detail of my life as lying. I'd feel sick and anxious. My candor was another factor that lead to our split. Lesson learned? Your lover doesn't need to know everything, unless it directly effects them, or if it's something really serious, like cheating or cancer.
3. Don't Put Up With Bullshit
Scott was emotionally and verbally abusive. Rather than getting the hell out of there early on, I stuck around, often fighting fire with fire by hurting him the way he often hurt me. I would push his buttons, because he'd play with my head. This wasn't right, and I am ashamed of how I behaved. I wish I could apologize to him, because I did love him and should never have hurt him. But he should not have hurt me either. His idea of love was to own me, to control me. He told me who I could talk to, he forbid me from wearing certain things, he called me names. He forgot my birthday. He was selfish 99% of the time. And yet I loved him, so I put up with him for years, hoping it would get better. I learned this lesson the hard way (though it could have been MUCH worse). If he treats you like shit, don't stick around for it to get better. Don't stay with him because you love him and you don't want him to be alone. Get the hell out, before you lose your mind or your life.
4. I am a One-Lover-at-a-Time Kind of Woman
After becoming single, I flirted. I looked at my options. I learned that I'd rather have one serious-ish lover than several not-so-serious ones. That's all I'm gonna say about this lesson, the rest is between me and Creator.
Truer words never spoken, Mother Monster. Despite being the advanced age of twenty two, I know very little about love. Even though I had my first boyfriend at the tender age of eleven, I am still woefully ignorant of how romance and dating works, at least in a conventional sense. I have my own methods of attracting a lover, and my own habits when it comes to personal relationships, some of which, have lead to disaster. The following is a list of the various lessons I have learned about that crazy little thing called love. Some of them came to me easily, but others, took me a little while to figure out.
1. Long Distance is a Bitch.
I've been in two long distance relationships, and both of them ended in disaster. The first came to me at the tender age of 17. I was dating a young man named Arthur, whom I had known in school. We both left the little town of Willsboro, and moved to Vermont, though on opposite sides of the Green Mountain State. We maintained a relationship for five months, and despite the fact he lived only three hours away, he never visited me.
My second long distance relationship, lasted four years. I met Scott at Anime Boston in April of 2007, and we ended the relationship in April of 2011. It was a very toxic romance, fraught with emotional and verbal abuse, and a great deal of stress. Contributing to a majority of stress, one of the factors that led to our inevitable downfall, was the the fact that he lived in New Jersey, and I live in Vermont. The distance was painful. When we were in love, it was difficult going long periods of time without seeing each other. It was difficult raising money to pay for the bus tickets, and when we did finally see each other, we were so emotionally stressed out, that every visit was a CATASTROPHE. Another problem, was that neither of us really knew what the other one was doing, inciting paranoia, and a shit load of mind games. Eventually, the long distance, combined with our personal issues caused our messy breakup. Lesson learned? Long distance sucks. At least it does for me.
2. You Can Be TOO Honest
I am a ridiculously honest person. I am honest to the point of telling you too much information, or hurting people's feelings with my lack of tact. If I keep secrets, I start to feel physically sick. As you can imagine, this often ruins relationships for me, especially romantic ones.
Scott wanted to know everything I was doing. He used my honesty against me. He knew I didn't like keeping secrets. So I'd tell him everything. I'd tell him everything I did, everything I thought, everyone I hung out with. I told him if guy hit on me, I told him if a girl hit on me. I told him if I was thinking of an ex-boyfriend, or if I was curious about dating women. Each time he'd get pissed, and when I ask him if he as mad at me, he'd say no, that he was glad I told him. Then he'd tell me to stop hanging around whoever it was that had displeased him by showing me more attention than he did.
People would tell me that I didn't need to tell him everything. It was none of his business. But I started to equate not telling him every detail of my life as lying. I'd feel sick and anxious. My candor was another factor that lead to our split. Lesson learned? Your lover doesn't need to know everything, unless it directly effects them, or if it's something really serious, like cheating or cancer.
3. Don't Put Up With Bullshit
Scott was emotionally and verbally abusive. Rather than getting the hell out of there early on, I stuck around, often fighting fire with fire by hurting him the way he often hurt me. I would push his buttons, because he'd play with my head. This wasn't right, and I am ashamed of how I behaved. I wish I could apologize to him, because I did love him and should never have hurt him. But he should not have hurt me either. His idea of love was to own me, to control me. He told me who I could talk to, he forbid me from wearing certain things, he called me names. He forgot my birthday. He was selfish 99% of the time. And yet I loved him, so I put up with him for years, hoping it would get better. I learned this lesson the hard way (though it could have been MUCH worse). If he treats you like shit, don't stick around for it to get better. Don't stay with him because you love him and you don't want him to be alone. Get the hell out, before you lose your mind or your life.
4. I am a One-Lover-at-a-Time Kind of Woman
After becoming single, I flirted. I looked at my options. I learned that I'd rather have one serious-ish lover than several not-so-serious ones. That's all I'm gonna say about this lesson, the rest is between me and Creator.
Saturday, August 20, 2011
An Insight into the Autism Spectrum
Those of us who have Asperger's and Non Verbal Learning Disorder are poised on a curious threshold. Unlike people who have severe Autism, we are not entirely confined within ourselves, though we are not wholly able to identify and immerse ourselves within the mundane world. This can prove difficult when it comes to living a 'normal' life.
Those who don't know of our particular condition often think we are ignorant, selfish or insane. They see us, having panic attacks in public, or hyper-focusing on a particular subject or object, and they think we are strange. They think our parents did a lousy job raising us. They notice when we don't make eye contact, or when we miss social cues, and think we're rude. When we say what's on our minds, even if it's tactless, they think we're mean.
My parents did not do a lousy job raising me. They did a great job considering the circumstance. Four kids, all of whom with their own problems. The relentless grind of poverty. They did what they could with what they had, and my sisters and I became intelligent, decent people.
I am not selfish or rude. I'm either so lost in my head that I forget where I am, or my emotions are ruling me. I can not hide my emotions well. I am not stupid, either. I've had teachers think I am, but I am hardly stupid, it's just that I learn things a little differently.
But worse than those who do not know about Autism Spectrum Disorders, are the people who think these disorders are fake. They assume that Autism, Asperger's and NLD, are just excuses invented by lazy parents. Or that the people who are directly afflicted, the diagnosed ones, are pretending, that they're really just losers who don't feel like being social, so they have to pretend they have a 'disease' to get out of behaving according to society's whims.
There are individuals who accuse us of using our disorder as a 'crutch', as an excuse. That we use it to garner attention and pity. That we revel in our disability, and use it as an excuse to do what we want.
I do not do what I want. I am not allowed to do what I want. While my NLD does explain some of my behaviors and feelings, I try my hardest not to use it as an excuse. I do not use it as a crutch. I know what I can accomplish and what I have difficulty doing.
We're stereotyped a lot. People think we're emotionless. That's not true. In my experience, I feel too much. I'm sensitive. Yes, there are moments when I may seem numb, but that's because I don't know how to process my feelings.
People think we're savants, we're all good at music or art. Not true, again. Some of us have a particular knack, but we're still like average people, we have our strengths, weaknesses and talents.
We're all different. Not every person on the Spectrum is exactly the same. We're like wacky little snowflakes. For some of us, noise is a problem, for others it is not. Some of us like to be touched and crave contact, and some of us not at all. Me, I like hugs. Hugs help. Being touched without warning does not. Warn me before you approach me.
Sometimes, I wish I was 'normal'. If I was normal, maybe I'd be a happier person. I wouldn't have to endure stares and gossip. I could go into large crowds, and have a job or even go to college. People tell me I can get a job or go to college, but I don't know. Maybe. Maybe.
Sometimes I have to explain to my own relatives what's wrong with me. They don't understand the anxiety, the rituals, the hyper focusing. Some of my friends don't understand. I've had people treat me differently once they find out. Or maybe I just think they have. That's the tricky thing. Sometimes I don't know what's real, and what I'm misinterpreting.
I don't always want to be around other people on the spectrum. Sometimes it feels like our triggers clash. Some of us don't like noise, and some of us make a lot of noise, hence there is some clashing. But, I try to be around others on the spectrum. I like talking to people who have the same issues I do, I don't feel so lonely. I like talking to parents of children who have Autism, because they know and understand just as well.
I make jokes about it. People think I'm being offensive, but it's my method of coping. If I didn't laugh, I'd probably kill myself. Because sometimes, having NLD is painful. It's so painful. The isolation, the confusion. The emotional rollercoaster. Relationships are hard. I make friends, but I can't keep them. I'm either distrusting, or I trust too easily and confide in the wrong people. I'm too candid at times.
I could spend hours telling you my particular quirks, but that would eventually aggravate me, and then my brain would start to splutter and stutter, like an old boat motor.
So I'm going to shut up. I'm going to shut up and hope you enjoyed reading this. You probably didn't. I wouldn't. It's much too dense for me. I have trouble reading dense things, sometimes.
Those who don't know of our particular condition often think we are ignorant, selfish or insane. They see us, having panic attacks in public, or hyper-focusing on a particular subject or object, and they think we are strange. They think our parents did a lousy job raising us. They notice when we don't make eye contact, or when we miss social cues, and think we're rude. When we say what's on our minds, even if it's tactless, they think we're mean.
My parents did not do a lousy job raising me. They did a great job considering the circumstance. Four kids, all of whom with their own problems. The relentless grind of poverty. They did what they could with what they had, and my sisters and I became intelligent, decent people.
I am not selfish or rude. I'm either so lost in my head that I forget where I am, or my emotions are ruling me. I can not hide my emotions well. I am not stupid, either. I've had teachers think I am, but I am hardly stupid, it's just that I learn things a little differently.
But worse than those who do not know about Autism Spectrum Disorders, are the people who think these disorders are fake. They assume that Autism, Asperger's and NLD, are just excuses invented by lazy parents. Or that the people who are directly afflicted, the diagnosed ones, are pretending, that they're really just losers who don't feel like being social, so they have to pretend they have a 'disease' to get out of behaving according to society's whims.
There are individuals who accuse us of using our disorder as a 'crutch', as an excuse. That we use it to garner attention and pity. That we revel in our disability, and use it as an excuse to do what we want.
I do not do what I want. I am not allowed to do what I want. While my NLD does explain some of my behaviors and feelings, I try my hardest not to use it as an excuse. I do not use it as a crutch. I know what I can accomplish and what I have difficulty doing.
We're stereotyped a lot. People think we're emotionless. That's not true. In my experience, I feel too much. I'm sensitive. Yes, there are moments when I may seem numb, but that's because I don't know how to process my feelings.
People think we're savants, we're all good at music or art. Not true, again. Some of us have a particular knack, but we're still like average people, we have our strengths, weaknesses and talents.
We're all different. Not every person on the Spectrum is exactly the same. We're like wacky little snowflakes. For some of us, noise is a problem, for others it is not. Some of us like to be touched and crave contact, and some of us not at all. Me, I like hugs. Hugs help. Being touched without warning does not. Warn me before you approach me.
Sometimes, I wish I was 'normal'. If I was normal, maybe I'd be a happier person. I wouldn't have to endure stares and gossip. I could go into large crowds, and have a job or even go to college. People tell me I can get a job or go to college, but I don't know. Maybe. Maybe.
Sometimes I have to explain to my own relatives what's wrong with me. They don't understand the anxiety, the rituals, the hyper focusing. Some of my friends don't understand. I've had people treat me differently once they find out. Or maybe I just think they have. That's the tricky thing. Sometimes I don't know what's real, and what I'm misinterpreting.
I don't always want to be around other people on the spectrum. Sometimes it feels like our triggers clash. Some of us don't like noise, and some of us make a lot of noise, hence there is some clashing. But, I try to be around others on the spectrum. I like talking to people who have the same issues I do, I don't feel so lonely. I like talking to parents of children who have Autism, because they know and understand just as well.
I make jokes about it. People think I'm being offensive, but it's my method of coping. If I didn't laugh, I'd probably kill myself. Because sometimes, having NLD is painful. It's so painful. The isolation, the confusion. The emotional rollercoaster. Relationships are hard. I make friends, but I can't keep them. I'm either distrusting, or I trust too easily and confide in the wrong people. I'm too candid at times.
I could spend hours telling you my particular quirks, but that would eventually aggravate me, and then my brain would start to splutter and stutter, like an old boat motor.
So I'm going to shut up. I'm going to shut up and hope you enjoyed reading this. You probably didn't. I wouldn't. It's much too dense for me. I have trouble reading dense things, sometimes.
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