Those of us who have Asperger's and Non Verbal Learning Disorder are poised on a curious threshold. Unlike people who have severe Autism, we are not entirely confined within ourselves, though we are not wholly able to identify and immerse ourselves within the mundane world. This can prove difficult when it comes to living a 'normal' life.
Those who don't know of our particular condition often think we are ignorant, selfish or insane. They see us, having panic attacks in public, or hyper-focusing on a particular subject or object, and they think we are strange. They think our parents did a lousy job raising us. They notice when we don't make eye contact, or when we miss social cues, and think we're rude. When we say what's on our minds, even if it's tactless, they think we're mean.
My parents did not do a lousy job raising me. They did a great job considering the circumstance. Four kids, all of whom with their own problems. The relentless grind of poverty. They did what they could with what they had, and my sisters and I became intelligent, decent people.
I am not selfish or rude. I'm either so lost in my head that I forget where I am, or my emotions are ruling me. I can not hide my emotions well. I am not stupid, either. I've had teachers think I am, but I am hardly stupid, it's just that I learn things a little differently.
But worse than those who do not know about Autism Spectrum Disorders, are the people who think these disorders are fake. They assume that Autism, Asperger's and NLD, are just excuses invented by lazy parents. Or that the people who are directly afflicted, the diagnosed ones, are pretending, that they're really just losers who don't feel like being social, so they have to pretend they have a 'disease' to get out of behaving according to society's whims.
There are individuals who accuse us of using our disorder as a 'crutch', as an excuse. That we use it to garner attention and pity. That we revel in our disability, and use it as an excuse to do what we want.
I do not do what I want. I am not allowed to do what I want. While my NLD does explain some of my behaviors and feelings, I try my hardest not to use it as an excuse. I do not use it as a crutch. I know what I can accomplish and what I have difficulty doing.
We're stereotyped a lot. People think we're emotionless. That's not true. In my experience, I feel too much. I'm sensitive. Yes, there are moments when I may seem numb, but that's because I don't know how to process my feelings.
People think we're savants, we're all good at music or art. Not true, again. Some of us have a particular knack, but we're still like average people, we have our strengths, weaknesses and talents.
We're all different. Not every person on the Spectrum is exactly the same. We're like wacky little snowflakes. For some of us, noise is a problem, for others it is not. Some of us like to be touched and crave contact, and some of us not at all. Me, I like hugs. Hugs help. Being touched without warning does not. Warn me before you approach me.
Sometimes, I wish I was 'normal'. If I was normal, maybe I'd be a happier person. I wouldn't have to endure stares and gossip. I could go into large crowds, and have a job or even go to college. People tell me I can get a job or go to college, but I don't know. Maybe. Maybe.
Sometimes I have to explain to my own relatives what's wrong with me. They don't understand the anxiety, the rituals, the hyper focusing. Some of my friends don't understand. I've had people treat me differently once they find out. Or maybe I just think they have. That's the tricky thing. Sometimes I don't know what's real, and what I'm misinterpreting.
I don't always want to be around other people on the spectrum. Sometimes it feels like our triggers clash. Some of us don't like noise, and some of us make a lot of noise, hence there is some clashing. But, I try to be around others on the spectrum. I like talking to people who have the same issues I do, I don't feel so lonely. I like talking to parents of children who have Autism, because they know and understand just as well.
I make jokes about it. People think I'm being offensive, but it's my method of coping. If I didn't laugh, I'd probably kill myself. Because sometimes, having NLD is painful. It's so painful. The isolation, the confusion. The emotional rollercoaster. Relationships are hard. I make friends, but I can't keep them. I'm either distrusting, or I trust too easily and confide in the wrong people. I'm too candid at times.
I could spend hours telling you my particular quirks, but that would eventually aggravate me, and then my brain would start to splutter and stutter, like an old boat motor.
So I'm going to shut up. I'm going to shut up and hope you enjoyed reading this. You probably didn't. I wouldn't. It's much too dense for me. I have trouble reading dense things, sometimes.
No comments:
Post a Comment