"I learned love is like a brick you can, build a house or sink a dead body," -Lady Gaga, Judas
Truer words never spoken, Mother Monster. Despite being the advanced age of twenty two, I know very little about love. Even though I had my first boyfriend at the tender age of eleven, I am still woefully ignorant of how romance and dating works, at least in a conventional sense. I have my own methods of attracting a lover, and my own habits when it comes to personal relationships, some of which, have lead to disaster. The following is a list of the various lessons I have learned about that crazy little thing called love. Some of them came to me easily, but others, took me a little while to figure out.
1. Long Distance is a Bitch.
I've been in two long distance relationships, and both of them ended in disaster. The first came to me at the tender age of 17. I was dating a young man named Arthur, whom I had known in school. We both left the little town of Willsboro, and moved to Vermont, though on opposite sides of the Green Mountain State. We maintained a relationship for five months, and despite the fact he lived only three hours away, he never visited me.
My second long distance relationship, lasted four years. I met Scott at Anime Boston in April of 2007, and we ended the relationship in April of 2011. It was a very toxic romance, fraught with emotional and verbal abuse, and a great deal of stress. Contributing to a majority of stress, one of the factors that led to our inevitable downfall, was the the fact that he lived in New Jersey, and I live in Vermont. The distance was painful. When we were in love, it was difficult going long periods of time without seeing each other. It was difficult raising money to pay for the bus tickets, and when we did finally see each other, we were so emotionally stressed out, that every visit was a CATASTROPHE. Another problem, was that neither of us really knew what the other one was doing, inciting paranoia, and a shit load of mind games. Eventually, the long distance, combined with our personal issues caused our messy breakup. Lesson learned? Long distance sucks. At least it does for me.
2. You Can Be TOO Honest
I am a ridiculously honest person. I am honest to the point of telling you too much information, or hurting people's feelings with my lack of tact. If I keep secrets, I start to feel physically sick. As you can imagine, this often ruins relationships for me, especially romantic ones.
Scott wanted to know everything I was doing. He used my honesty against me. He knew I didn't like keeping secrets. So I'd tell him everything. I'd tell him everything I did, everything I thought, everyone I hung out with. I told him if guy hit on me, I told him if a girl hit on me. I told him if I was thinking of an ex-boyfriend, or if I was curious about dating women. Each time he'd get pissed, and when I ask him if he as mad at me, he'd say no, that he was glad I told him. Then he'd tell me to stop hanging around whoever it was that had displeased him by showing me more attention than he did.
People would tell me that I didn't need to tell him everything. It was none of his business. But I started to equate not telling him every detail of my life as lying. I'd feel sick and anxious. My candor was another factor that lead to our split. Lesson learned? Your lover doesn't need to know everything, unless it directly effects them, or if it's something really serious, like cheating or cancer.
3. Don't Put Up With Bullshit
Scott was emotionally and verbally abusive. Rather than getting the hell out of there early on, I stuck around, often fighting fire with fire by hurting him the way he often hurt me. I would push his buttons, because he'd play with my head. This wasn't right, and I am ashamed of how I behaved. I wish I could apologize to him, because I did love him and should never have hurt him. But he should not have hurt me either. His idea of love was to own me, to control me. He told me who I could talk to, he forbid me from wearing certain things, he called me names. He forgot my birthday. He was selfish 99% of the time. And yet I loved him, so I put up with him for years, hoping it would get better. I learned this lesson the hard way (though it could have been MUCH worse). If he treats you like shit, don't stick around for it to get better. Don't stay with him because you love him and you don't want him to be alone. Get the hell out, before you lose your mind or your life.
4. I am a One-Lover-at-a-Time Kind of Woman
After becoming single, I flirted. I looked at my options. I learned that I'd rather have one serious-ish lover than several not-so-serious ones. That's all I'm gonna say about this lesson, the rest is between me and Creator.
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