Why Dating Sucks When You're Autistic

As it is, dating is confusing for the average person. But when you have an Autism Spectrum disorder like Asperger's or Non-Verbal Learning Disorder, it can be downright harrowing. It's bad enough that we often have issues in everyday social situations, but add hormones and romantic feelings to the mix and we have a clusterfuck of epic proportions. But why is dating so difficult for those of us on the Spectrum? It depends on the individual, but here are some reasons why it's a pain in the ass for me...

1. Eye Contact
One of the symptoms of Autism and related disorders is an inability or difficulty making eye contact. I have had this problem all my life. When I talk to people, my eyes do not rest on them, rather they move all about the room, or stare off into space. I used to get in trouble with teachers at school because of this. People think I'm being rude to them. People misinterpret my inability to make eye contact all the time.
This is where dating comes in. All the 'experts' say, that when it comes to romance, that eye contact is key. When you make eye contact the object of your desire knows that you're attracted to them. Hence the problem, when you can't make eye contact, what's your intended paramour to think? Unless they're aware of your 'condition', will they assume you're not interested? When I met my ex-boyfriend, Scott, I had trouble making eye contact. He didn't know I had NLD, and thought I was displeased with his appearance, which was not true. I thought he was very handsome, I just had trouble looking at him because of the shit going on in my head.
So what can I do? I can practice eye contact with friends and family, I can practice in the mirror. Or I can just let my eyes roll around in whatever damn direction they want to.

2. Social Cues
When you have NLD or Asperger's you miss 'social cues'. Reading facial expressions is difficult, as is discerning the tone of voice. I can't tell if someone is being sarcastic or not, so sometimes when someone asks me out I think they're joking. (Though this could also stem from being teased a lot in high school, and thus no longer being able to trust people.)
Just yesterday, when I was conversing with a young man I rather like, I had trouble telling whether or not he was happy to see me. Even though he was smiling, I wasn't sure about his tone of voice. Did he actually want to be talking to me? Or was he just waiting for me to go away? Was I wasting his time? While I greatly enjoyed being in his presence, I found myself second-guessing everything. Second guessing doesn't help you when it come l'amour. In fact, it's rather hindering. When I can't read cues, I get distressed, I get confused, which is not conducive to the forming of a romantic alliance.

3. Social Graces
We're not rude. We're just stuck in our heads, so sometimes we forget social graces, such as greeting people or making polite inquiries as to one's health. We tend to talk about the same subjects over and over again, and sometimes we say things we're not supposed to. I'm unfortunately blunt. I once told Scott he had a zit on his back. Scott is such a vain man, and such a thing would send him into a frenzy. I knew this, and but let my impulses get the better of me. It ended in him calling me a bitch, and shoving me. While not all people are so unreasonably violent, saying the wrong thing can ruin any romantic prospects. So I have to work on my manners. Like I said, I'm not mean or rude, I just have poor impulses and am so lost in my head that I forget how to be a person and not a squirrel.

4. Hyper-Focusing
We hyper focusing on things, whether they be a specific object, subject or person. Basically, we get obsessive. We can annoy people this way, by talking about the same stuff over and over (see above). This can repel any potential lovers. Trust me, I know. Also, sometimes, when we fall for a person we hyper focus on them, coming off as creepy. I had an ex-boyfriend who displayed the symptoms of Asperger's who actually stalked me for several months following our break up. We get so wrapped up in what we're feeling, or what we're doing that we forget ourselves, and we end up doing something foolish. Look at the infamous "Chris-Chan". Christian Weston Chandler is a young man with high-function Autism who has acquired a reputation for stalking young women whom he desires to have as a 'sweetheart'. This has caused him a lot of grief, humiliation and a large page on Encyclopedia Dramatica. It's rather sad, and I do feel bad for him. I myself have gotten overzealous in the pursuit of love, and have made myself enemies and scared off the object of my affections. This is why hyper-focusing hinders any hopes of romance.

5. Emotional Imbalance
Sometimes we're either too numb or feeling too much. This affects all our relationships, romantic and platonic. People think we're either uncaring or crazy. We're not, we just have trouble gaging our emotions and their reactions. Therapy and medication helps, but not by much.

6. Anxiety
I don't need to go into this one too deeply, do I? It's obvious, anxiety severely hampers romance in all its fields. It makes dates difficult, and it makes sex incredibly awkward. Watch to anxious people try to have sex with each other. It's a total clusterfuck. Pardon the pun.

So there we have it. This is why dating is such a pain in the ass for me. And this is only the tip of the iceberg. I'm certain there's more brain weasels making it a chore for me to find love. So if you're interested in getting into my black skinny jeans, or I'm interested in showing you the Love Weasels, bear in mind, it's not you. It's me. Really. It's me. If it was you, I would say so.