Well here it is, the cliche 'what I'm thankful for' Thanksgiving blog. In past years, I would have scoffed at this, rolled my eyes, because honestly, I didn't always have anything to be thankful for. I was tormented in school and didn't have many friends as a kid, and as an adult I'm usually very depressed around Thanksgiving. So, the past few years have proved barren in terms of thankful proclamations at the dinner table.
But this year was different. So much has happened in the past year, that I cannot help but become mushy and start to blubber my gratitude towards the excellent fortune I have received in 2011.
Not to say that there haven't been bad times this year, but personally, I have been blessed many times over. So let us hear it, what am I thankful for this Thanksgiving?
1. My Breast Reduction:
In February of this year I went to Dartmouth Hitchcock to have a consult with a plastic surgeon regarding the size of my breasts and the possibility of a breast reduction. It was successful, and we only had to wait for my insurance to approve it. But in spring my insurance underwent several changes, and I was denied surgery for yet a third time. But I knew it was over. My insurance changed again, and I went back for a second consult. This time, I was lucky and got a surgery date for the 12th of December. So I am thankful that soon, I will no longer be in the constant physical pain that come with having over-abundant breasts, and instead be in constant physical pain that comes from a major surgical procedure to make those breasts smaller.
2. Receiving Social Security:
As my readers may know, I have an Autism Spectrum Disorder. As a result, functioning in school and the work place is difficult. I have to undergo therapy, and take medications to keep the symptoms of my disorder in check. In 2010, I had applied for disability, and gotten denied right away. I challenged their decision, and got a lawyer (who didn't do much). By March of 2011, I was approved and started getting checks in the mail. This has made my life easier, I can now contribute to the household, and buy things I need.
3. Getting Out of an Abusive Relationship:
In April, Scott dumped me. I'd been with him for four years, and during those long years, he treated me like shit. There were bright moments at times, and I did love him, but I was miserable. I couldn't talk to my friends, or do anything I enjoyed. He made me stop talking to other men, he threatened to leave me if I smoked pot, or went to college or did any of the things people my age experiment with.
He dumped me two days before my birthday, and I considered a reunion, but when he told me that if I could rekindle my friendship with my male friends, then he could 'fuck whoever he wanted,'. Sick of his illogical and childish behavior, I said goodbye forever.
I loved him, and I was sad at first (especially right after the breakup itself), but eventually I realized that this tragedy was really a blessing. I'm a free bird now, allowed to do as I please. While I still feel bad about how things ended, and the time I wasted, I don't think I regret taking back my life and becoming my own woman again.
4. The Drum
One winter day, I ran into a man named Whitewolf, who happened to be looking for drummers. I had no experience, but he accepted my offers anyway, and thus I joined The Voice of United Spirit Singers. After that my life turned around. I wasn't angry or sad or scared anymore. I was taking my meds, stopped resisting my therapist. I was regaining some of my sense of self. I learned how to drum, how to sing Native American songs. I learned about my heritage, I learned about who I was as a person. I went to powwows and met wonderful people. I learned so many things after embarking on the journey of being a powwow drummer.
I am thankful for Voice of United Spirit and her singers, most of all. They have become my family, and I love them as I would love my own blood. I don't know where I would be without them or what I would be doing. Perhaps I would still be in an abusive relationship, becoming more and more despondent as the days go by. I don't know and I don't want to think about it.
5. All the Small Things:
After all describing all the big changes that I am thankful for, I want to make an honorable mention to all the little things that have made my life sweet. My friends, my family, my cats. Sleepovers with Kenny, and meeting my niece. Going on drives with Becca, and to the fair with Arielle. Late night swims with the gang, the Shelburne Museum with my mother and sister. Cemetery trips. Swimming in the river, and watching movies. Lady Gaga.
Thursday, November 24, 2011
Monday, November 21, 2011
Guilt and Contrition
Thinking back to my last post, I do actually feel rather guilty about the comments I made about person number two. While I did mean what I said at the time I said it, that does not mean I do not feel bad about it now.
If the person these comments were directed at, realized that these words were about them, I am sorry if I hurt their feelings. I was feeling angry, and now that I am no longer feeling angry, I am willing to have a talk with them about the problems within our friendship.
The fact is, I love Person Number 2. I have known them for many years, and I say these things not only out of frustration, but also out of concern for that person's well-being. I want them to be happy, but I also want them to understand that some happinesses do not last forever.
My feelings were hurt by some words this person said to me. Perhaps they flung these insults about callously, not realizing what effect they would have on my pride. Perhaps, they were taking out their negativity on me. I do not know.
So here it is, I have to talk candidly with this person, tell them how I feel. But I am afraid. I am afraid of making the situation worse, mostly. My relationship with this person has suffered in the past.
Perhaps, they never even saw this blog. So perhaps this whole post was pointless. After all, most people have better things to do than read the ramblings of a socially awkward, Autistic, powwow drummer.
If the person these comments were directed at, realized that these words were about them, I am sorry if I hurt their feelings. I was feeling angry, and now that I am no longer feeling angry, I am willing to have a talk with them about the problems within our friendship.
The fact is, I love Person Number 2. I have known them for many years, and I say these things not only out of frustration, but also out of concern for that person's well-being. I want them to be happy, but I also want them to understand that some happinesses do not last forever.
My feelings were hurt by some words this person said to me. Perhaps they flung these insults about callously, not realizing what effect they would have on my pride. Perhaps, they were taking out their negativity on me. I do not know.
So here it is, I have to talk candidly with this person, tell them how I feel. But I am afraid. I am afraid of making the situation worse, mostly. My relationship with this person has suffered in the past.
Perhaps, they never even saw this blog. So perhaps this whole post was pointless. After all, most people have better things to do than read the ramblings of a socially awkward, Autistic, powwow drummer.
Monday, November 14, 2011
Things I'll Never Say (to your face)
Sometimes, we want to say certain things to certain people. But for one reason or another, we don't get around to it, usually because we are afraid, or because we don't want to hurt the person's feelings. Tonight, I am going to make a bold move, and write out these things, these things I want to say. They are addressed to friends, to enemies. They are supposed to be anonymous, but if someone figures out the identity of the person these message are addressed to, I suppose I will need to face the consequences.
1. You give me the creeps. Every time I am nice to you, I regret it, afterwards. Because as soon as I am nice to you, you attach yourself to me like a leech. Then when I call you out on your clingy obsessive behavior, you lie and say you're just trying to be my friend, when really, I know you're trying to get into my pants. Speaking of lies, you seem to tell A LOT of them. Do you even believe the bullshit that comes out of your mouth? I mean, who are you trying to impress? Well, me obviously, and the rest of the girls in town, but do you actually think it works? It doesn't. It makes me distrust you. Do you know WHY I keep avoiding you? Why, after I declared interest, I suddenly recanted? It's because you give me a very bad feeling in the pit of my stomach. Do you wonder why so many girls tend to ditch you? They get interested, and then out of nowhere, they stop talking to you, cut off contact? It's because you're a creeper. It's because you're a liar, it's because you probably give them the same bad feeling in the pit of their stomachs that I get. Half of the stuff you brag about, (which is mostly not true anyway) is nothing you SHOULD be bragging about. It's all stuff that sets up GIANT FUCKING RED FLAGS.
Also, it's called mouthwash. It's not expensive. Why bother dousing yourself in so much cologne that, if I lit a match you would catch fire, if you're just going to breath stank breath in my fair visage?
2. Sorry, the rant has removed due to the friendship of magic.
3. I'm sorry things ended the way they did. I'm sorry your life hasn't been easy. But I can't save you, it wasn't my job. I loved you, and I tried to make you happy. But like I said, happiness comes from within, and all that happy horse shit. You abused me. You claimed that you did not, but you did. Calling me a cunt is abusive. Telling me that if I don't stop talking to my best guy friend, you'll leave me, that's abusive. Forcing me to do things, by wearing down my defenses by begging and pleading until I say yes out of sheer exasperation, that's abusive too. I wasn't a saint, I did treat you like shit, but lemme tell ya, I treat my lovers the way they treat me. But I took responsibility for my actions, unlike you.
But once upon I time, I loved you. I loved you so much, and I wanted so much from you. I loved you so much, that I lied to myself just to keep you. Made excuses, bent over backwards. I'm never doing that again. I'm not sad it's over. I'm free now. I can try new things, and meet people and go on adventures, and not have to feel guilty. I feel bad about it ended, but I don't feel bad about having to end it. Sometimes I'm still in disbelief, but then I remember how bad things were, how miserable I was, and I thank Creator I got out before it could have gotten worse.
4. Sometimes I think you're boring and pretentious, but there's something about you, that I am just drawn to. I want another chance, and I'm sure you know it, but I'm afraid that it will never happen. But I still hope. I just can't help it.
BTW, if you're not interested, just fucking be honest and say so.
1. You give me the creeps. Every time I am nice to you, I regret it, afterwards. Because as soon as I am nice to you, you attach yourself to me like a leech. Then when I call you out on your clingy obsessive behavior, you lie and say you're just trying to be my friend, when really, I know you're trying to get into my pants. Speaking of lies, you seem to tell A LOT of them. Do you even believe the bullshit that comes out of your mouth? I mean, who are you trying to impress? Well, me obviously, and the rest of the girls in town, but do you actually think it works? It doesn't. It makes me distrust you. Do you know WHY I keep avoiding you? Why, after I declared interest, I suddenly recanted? It's because you give me a very bad feeling in the pit of my stomach. Do you wonder why so many girls tend to ditch you? They get interested, and then out of nowhere, they stop talking to you, cut off contact? It's because you're a creeper. It's because you're a liar, it's because you probably give them the same bad feeling in the pit of their stomachs that I get. Half of the stuff you brag about, (which is mostly not true anyway) is nothing you SHOULD be bragging about. It's all stuff that sets up GIANT FUCKING RED FLAGS.
Also, it's called mouthwash. It's not expensive. Why bother dousing yourself in so much cologne that, if I lit a match you would catch fire, if you're just going to breath stank breath in my fair visage?
2. Sorry, the rant has removed due to the friendship of magic.
3. I'm sorry things ended the way they did. I'm sorry your life hasn't been easy. But I can't save you, it wasn't my job. I loved you, and I tried to make you happy. But like I said, happiness comes from within, and all that happy horse shit. You abused me. You claimed that you did not, but you did. Calling me a cunt is abusive. Telling me that if I don't stop talking to my best guy friend, you'll leave me, that's abusive. Forcing me to do things, by wearing down my defenses by begging and pleading until I say yes out of sheer exasperation, that's abusive too. I wasn't a saint, I did treat you like shit, but lemme tell ya, I treat my lovers the way they treat me. But I took responsibility for my actions, unlike you.
But once upon I time, I loved you. I loved you so much, and I wanted so much from you. I loved you so much, that I lied to myself just to keep you. Made excuses, bent over backwards. I'm never doing that again. I'm not sad it's over. I'm free now. I can try new things, and meet people and go on adventures, and not have to feel guilty. I feel bad about it ended, but I don't feel bad about having to end it. Sometimes I'm still in disbelief, but then I remember how bad things were, how miserable I was, and I thank Creator I got out before it could have gotten worse.
4. Sometimes I think you're boring and pretentious, but there's something about you, that I am just drawn to. I want another chance, and I'm sure you know it, but I'm afraid that it will never happen. But I still hope. I just can't help it.
BTW, if you're not interested, just fucking be honest and say so.
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