Last year, when I wrote about my history of self-harm, I said I was never going to do it again, and I never wanted to do it again. I unintentionally lied. I can't predict the future, so little did I know that I'd scratch myself up again on several occasions. Little did I know that drumming wouldn't cure me completely of this urge to punish and scourge myself. Little did I know.
I did it last night, and I've done it on several occasions in the past year. The reasons stay the same, I'm hurt, and angry and I want to punish myself for being hurt and angry. I want to punish myself for being me. Because in that moment, I hate myself so much, I want to suffer and I want to die. Because in that moment, I finally see what others see, an ugly, awkward weirdo, who is ultimately unloved, and will eventually be abandoned by all her friends.
Maybe in a day or two, these feelings will go away. Maybe by tomorrow I'll feel good and pretty again. But right now, all I can think about is taking my Swiss army knife and carving myself up like a Christmas ham. I feel alone, and I feel unwanted, and I don't even want to say why or how these feelings happened, because I'm afraid if I do everyone will laugh at me. And that maybe if people see this words, they'll think I'm a self-pitying loser, and not a person in pain. Maybe that's the truth. Maybe I am just a self-pitying loser.
Everyone tells me to stop self-harming. As if just scolding me like a bad puppy will make it go away. No one goes to an alcoholic, and just says "Stop drinking, bad lush! Bad!".
Just telling me to stop, or telling me how bad it is isn't going to cure me. Therapy and medications only do so much. The Drum? Who cares? Nobody takes it seriously, nobody takes what I do seriously. So I can sing a couple of pretty Native American songs? In this society, I'm not doing anything meaningful. I'm just trying to keep a dying culture alive.
So here it is. No optimism. I'm a cutter, and I'll always be a cutter. There's no fucking magic spell I can wave that'll make all my pain and problems go away. I don't know why I keep forgetting that.
Bah, all this negativity won't get you anywhere. Yer one of the smartest and funniest individuals I've ever met (props on a new phrase for asshole I've never heard {leather cheerio, fucking epic}, and you know the word vitriol and it's proper use). You don't need to change the entire world, just your own. That's all the meaningfulness you need. I dunno what else to say to encourage you, you're not conventional but you'd be boring as shit if you were, you're not a typical stupid American sheep, you're a brilliant and creative individual with more brainpower than I could ever harness.
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