Saturday Part 4

Part four! Hurray I'm on a self-indulgent blogging roll!


Part 4: Disaster, Both Painful and Embarrassing
Uncle Russ and I walked to the lockers just outside of Splashwater Kingdom. Unlike the lockers inside SK, these are rented by computer. Last year, I'd had an anxiety attack when Acacia tried to rent one, because not only were the directions confusing, but also because it was a bit crowded. It was still a bit crowded at the lockers this year, but I was determined to use one, mostly because they were cheaper than the other lockers.
I rented the smallest and cheapest locker possible at ten dollars, (the directions turned out to be easier than I had initially thought) and went inside the changing rooms to wriggle into my bathing suit, while my uncle waited outside.
The changing room was loud, the screeches of small children bouncing off the tiled walls and floor. The aforementioned floor was slick with water and had shreds of soggy toilet paper scattered here and there. I selected a stall, and being careful not to drop any of my clothes, squeezed into my ribbed black one piece. Then I went back outside, feeling self conscious about my body, and shoved my things and my uncle's things into the locker, and then we set off, carrying drinks and towels.

We first decided to ride a slide called The Black Cobra. It's a long black slide with plenty of twists and turns. It looked like a blast, and I had never been on it before, so we got in line. The wait wasn't too long, and I anticipated being able to cool off. When our turn at last arrived, we sat down on the oblong tube, and at the ride operator's discretion, pushed forward and went plunging into darkness.
The ride was less pleasant than I imagined. There wasn't a lot of water, so we didn't get wet, and the inside of the enclosed slide was hot, since the black plastic absorbed the heat of the sun. But the twists, turns and drops were pretty fun, despite the discomfort.
I at least expected a splash when we hit the bottom, but there wasn't, we just skidded into a "run-off". Disappointed, we put our tube onto the conveyor belt that would carry the tube back to the top of the slide. I didn't even get wet.
After that epic fail of a water slide, we decided it would be in our best interests to ride The Tornado, a water slide so named for the funnel that you encounter while riding it.

Last year, when I rode the Tornado, there had been a fairly long line just to obtain one of the clover shaped inner tubes. This year, we did not have to wait to procure our tube, for this year, there wasn't any line at all! My uncle and I merely walked to the pile of inner tubes and selected a bright green inner tube. Then we made the long trek to the line for the water slide.
The line for the slide wasn't very long at all and soon enough it was our turn. The ride attendant helped us get onto our inner tube. To my displeasure, I found that I was facing away from the mouth of the slide. I would be traveling down that steep drop backwards. But there was nothing I could really do, and soon I found myself speeding down that drop, gripping the handles of the inner tube with all my might.
The tube shot out into the funnel, and slid up the sides. At this point, I was glad I had gone down the drop backwards, for it meant that I wouldn't be enduring the funnel upside down like my uncle was (though I don't think he minded too much). After we lost momentum, we went rushing out into the pool. It had been so much fun!

After we got out of the pool, my Uncle Russ and I decided to ride The Tornado again. So instead of depositing our inner tube, we just walked back to the end of the line.
This time, when we were being helped into the inner tube, the attendant made sure that I was facing forward. I guess she must have felt bad when I voiced my displeasure at having to sit backwards. But I viewed my new position with dread, for it meant that I would have to ride the funnel upside down...
Once more, we were sent down the drop, and sliding along the funnel. It was all very fun except for one thing. I had developed a slight wedgie. The speed of our inner tube and the rushing water made my bathing suit nestle itself betwixt my bum cheeks. It was very uncomfortable, and I couldn't wait to get off the slide and fix the accursed wardrobe malfunction.

Once we dropped into the pool, I set to work trying to fix my wedgie without anyone noticing. I'll never be sure if anyone saw my awkward attempts, and I prefer not to think about how embarrassing this situation was.
After I put things back in their place, my uncle and I returned our tube and went to find something else to do. We decided to try the trio of water slides named Twister Falls, The Banshee Plunge and The Blue Typhoon. I had never ridden any of these before, so I was very excited.
From a giant pile, we grabbed a pair of hot pink inner tubes, one for each of us. There didn't seem to be any line, so we went straight for the middle slide, The Banshee Plunge. We placed our tubes in the water at the mouth of the slide, and waited for the lifeguard to give us permission to head down the slide. When my turn came, I propelled myself forward, making sure not to go down the slide backwards.
I rushed down the slide at a terrifying speed. Then, disaster, both painful and embarrassing, struck. The force of water once again pulled my bathing suit upwards, giving me the most painful wedgie I have ever experienced in my entire life. Worse then the one I had experienced on The Tornado, it felt like as I continued down the slide the fabric of my suit was being pulled higher and higher, and there was nothing I could do about it. When I hit the receiving pool with a splash, I found myself looking around, checking to see if there was blood in the water. Yes, my wedgie was so excruciating that I was afraid it had made me bleed, or worse, do serious damage to my bum. But my imaginings were unfounded, there wasn't any blood, and my ass was still intact, if not very very sore. I got up and quickly fixed the Epic Wedgie, hoping no one would notice my shame. I met up with my uncle, and we trudged back up the hill to try another slide. It hurt to walk. My wedgie had been extreme enough that it was actually painful for me to walk. I moved slowly, unable to keep up with my uncle. I wondered if I should head to the infirmary, but was too embarrassed.
As I got ready to ride the next slide, a long green behemoth called Twister Falls, I wondered how my trauma had occurred, and how I could prevent it. The combination of the moving water and the high speed I was traveling at had caused the wedgie, that I knew, as had letting my bottom come into contact the slide. The solution was simple. When I sat in the inner tube, I should merely perch above the hole, as opposed to squeezing myself into it. That way, my ass would have no unwanted contact with the slide, and I would be less likely to suffer a wedgie.
After coming to this conclusion, I shamelessly informed the lifeguard that The Banshee Plunge induced wedgies of a painful nature. (Not in those exact words of course, I think I was much more blunt in real life.) He was not surprised and told me, that this occurred often. I wonder if anyone ever had a wedgie as painful as mine after riding this particular slide.
Twister Falls was a better slide than the last one I rode. Instead of going straight down at a horrifying speed, I experienced thrilling twists and turns which I hoped would last forever.
Naturally, it did not, and I ended up in the big receiving pool, checking myself for wedgies. Thankfully, there weren't any.
Then, I finally rode the last of The Holy Trinity of Water Slides, The Blue Lagoon. I remember very little of this slide, other than it's bright color, a loud Crayola shade of blue.

Afterwards, my Uncle Russ and I decided to go on Captain Hook's Lazy River Adventure. I love Lazy River rides. They're very relaxing and pleasant.
My uncle and I grabbed some yellow inner tubes and headed for the water. I bypassed the awkwardness of asking for help with my inner tub, by getting on it in the shallows and having some kids push me out into the current.
Unlike last year, when a lifeguard told me I could only go around the lazy river once, my uncle and I went around three times. The first time, I let my uncle get his revenge for the Sasquatch Incident by letting him shove me under the giant pipe, from which pours gallons of icy cold water.
Also during my pleasant ride down the river, I had bit of a surprise. Floating in the water, was a little body! For one frightful moment I was afraid a child had drowned, but as it turns out the lifeguards were doing a rescue drill with a small dummy. When I expressed my relief, they told me that I wasn't the first person to jump to conclusions.
All in all my triple trip down The Lazy River was pleasant, except for a moment when a group of very ill-mannered teenage girls mimicked and laughed at my squeals of displeasure as I got sprayed by a fountain. I found their teasing to be rather uncalled for, to say the least and had a few choice words for them, which out of good breeding, I kept to myself.

After our third trip, we decided we should ride The Mega Wedgie slide before the lines got too long. So we got out of the water, passed off our inner tubes to the next person and went on our way. We stopped to check on our towels and giant plastic drink cups, which we had left on deck chair, and headed towards the slide.
We grabbed one of the figure eight shaped blue inner tubes, designed for two riders. The line to this slide was longer than the other ones we'd ridden on today. I think this is because it was getting to the hottest part of the day, and more and more guests were starting to drift into Splashwater Kingdom, ready to cool off.
While waiting in line, my uncle and I were surrounded by children. Most of them were between the ages of eight and twelve, and wearing these ridiculous rubber bracelets called Silly Bandz. These things, are apparently the latest fad. They're brightly colored rubber bands, shaped like different things- animals, methods of transportation, and other random objects. They even have Harry Potter Silly Bandz. This trip to to The Great Escape was the first time I had ever seen them, and I have to say, the fascination with them quite confuses and annoys me. Maybe I'm just getting old.
Last year, when I rode the Mega Wedgie, Acacia and I had gotten stuck. This year, I dreaded a repeat of those traumatizing events, but did not voice my anxieties. We got in the inner tube, my uncle sitting in the back, myself in the front. Then, we pushed forward and went speeding down the drop, and out into the basin. This part, spinning around in that bowl, is actually quite daunting, but still very exciting. Luckily, we didn't get stuck, and only went around twice before going down another drop and shooting out into the receiving pool.
Afterwards, my uncle told me that he didn't think the slide was worth having to wait that long. There are very few water slides that are worth a long wait.
We wandered down towards The Lumberjack Splash Wave Pool and Paul Bunyan's Bucket Brigade, but the former was closed, and I neither one of us seemed very interested in the latter. I think we were sufficiently cooled off at that point, and we decided to get our things and end our soggy adventure.

Coming up, there will be thrills, chills and soda spills! Well, there won't be chills, but I need a third word to rhyme with thrills and spills.