I'm only human. Mostly.

I make mistakes. I make a lot of mistakes. Sometimes I'll write something mean about an ex-boyfriend, or an enemy, and it will come and bite me in the ass. Sometimes I'll say or do something that will hurt someone I love.
Sometimes, I apologize for these mistakes, and sometimes I don't. Sometimes, my stubborn pride prevents me from doing the right thing. I'm only human, and I am vulnerable to the pitfalls of being so.
Sometimes, even when I apologize for the bad things I've said and done, my guilt still eats at me, a cancer of the soul.
A wise woman named Snowy Owl, once told me "You mustn't hold on to anger". Throughout my life, I have had people tell me this. But something about the way she said it, touched my heart. She told me how to let go of angry feelings. I felt at peace when she told me these things.

Yet I still have issues letting go of old grudges. Ex boyfriends, friends who stabbed me in the back. I carry them all, each one, in my heart, remembering the humiliation, the hurt, the regret. I fear, that they'll come back to haunt me, tell people what a terrible person I am. That based of off their judgments, any new friends I make, will abandon me.

I am not a perfect person. I can be capricious, cruel, vain and selfish. I can be arrogant and conceited. Self-absorbed. Cowardly. An attention-whore.
But I know I am not an entirely bad person. I can be sweet, affectionate, and good. It's just easier to be a bitch. It's so easy to hold onto hatred and anger.
But anger, isn't always a bad thing. Anger, used properly can do a great many things. If not for anger, revolution would not happen. If not for anger, there would be no change.
And yet, anger creates so much destruction.

I must pick my battles. I can not rage against something that happened years ago. I must rage at what happens NOW. If someone invades my boundaries, instead of bottling it up, I should speak up. If I see injustice, I should be ready to defend. I must harness my anger, make it my weapon. But it's not easy. Sometimes when I'm angry, I end up hurting myself, mentally and physically. My arms bear the scars of years of frustration and rage. While I worked on the self-harm, through means of Zoloft and therapy, I still have a lot of work to do. How can I learn to control my feelings? Know when to hold 'em? Know when to fold 'em?
How old will I be, when I no longer hold petty grudges? When I can accept the past, and enjoy the present?
I can't write anymore. I've had my rant, and now my mind is started to freeze up. Thoughts are getting foggy. I wrote from the heart, which I had never intended to do on this blog. I didn't mean to get this personal, but alas, that is my nature.