Saturday Part 5

Sorry part 4 was ridiculously long. I always add too many details. *sighs* Maybe I can finish this now that I've had a break.


Part 5: Life's Simple Joys
My Uncle Russ and I took the walk from the Mega Wedgie, to the lawn chairs where we had left our towels and drink cups. It should have been a fairly quick stroll, but as we were walking over a little bridge, we ended up behind some fat rednecks who were moving slower than snails. I could see our stuff from where we were, and had the irrational paranoia that someone would steal our belongings within my line of sight, and I wouldn't be unable to do anything, all because some lardy asshats couldn't be buggered to ambulate a little more briskly. My fears went unfounded.
After we collected our things, my uncle and I walked back to our locker so we could change out of our soggy bathing suits and enjoy the rest of the park. First I went into the ladies' room to change, while my uncle stood by our locker. When I was finished, my uncle went to change and I waited by the locker. During this wait, my mother called me on my cell. I can't remember why she called, but I do remember that I had a lot of trouble hearing her, as the area where the rows of lockers stood was very crowded. She wanted to talk to my uncle. When my uncle stepped out of the men's room, I handed him the phone. He'd call her back later.
We walked away from the changing rooms. I left my damp bathing suit and towel in the locker, so I wouldn't have to carry them around. Anyway, I paid ten bucks for that rental, I might as well get my money's worth.

I needed more coke. I got in line at a Funnel Cake Stand, to get my free refill. The wait was unbearably long, seeing as the redneck family (rednecks, it always has to be rednecks) in front of me was taking their sweet time just to order some ice cream. Precious time was being wasted, and I was about to give up, when I saw a soda refill station right behind me. A refill station! I had stood in that line for nothing! Relieved, I hurried over to the station, showed the girl behind the counter my wristband and got more soda. Ah, Coca Cola. On a hot summer day, nothing beats a cold coke with ice, it is one of life's simple joys.
Afterwards, my uncle and I were wandering along, when my mother called. She wanted to know when we'd be leaving the park and going to Schroon Lake, where she and my sister were visiting with my aunt and grandmother. As they negotiated, I stuck my plastic straw in it's little holder and tried to see if I could drink my coke that way. I could, but it was a bad idea. Since the straw was pointing down, soda began to dribble out at an alarming rate. I am such an idiot.
I pulled the straw out of it's holder and stopped the spill. Then, my uncle and I stopped at a trashcan. Lickety-split, I whipped out my wet naps, cleaned up my soda sticky hands, and wiped off the cup. I knew those things would come in handy. I'd gotten the idea to bring wet naps, after last year, when Acacia and I had made a mess of ourselves while eating funnel cake during our trip to the Great Escape. So I had gotten a large pack of Wet Ones, in little individual packages.
I never ended up getting a funnel cake that day, but those towelettes still became indispensable to me during that long weekend.

We had until five o' clock. At five, much to our chagrin, we would have to leave The Great Escape, and go to Schroon Lake. Determined to have fun, we made our way to The Comet, which is my very favorite Roller Coaster at the Great Escape.
We waited in line behind some very loud teenage girls. Well, at least one of them, an obnoxious, hulking she-walrus, was being very loud. At one point she was so loud that she hurt my ears. I made a comment about my ear drum being punctured, and she sheepishly apologized. But she still didn't shut the fuck up.
Each car holds four people, with two rows of seats. Uncle Russ and I had the ill luck of sharing a car with Yappy Lardass and her comparatively silent companion. They sat in front of us, Yappy chattering away, telling her friend that she better put both her arms up (or something equally asinine) when the roller coaster camera takes their picture, and that they were going to ride this coaster again and again until their picture was just right. I rolled my eyes.
As the ride attendants checked seatbelts and lap bars, they high fived passengers. I vaguely recall my uncle expressing distaste for this practice. I'm not sure I like it either. I understand that being cheerful is just part of their job, but sometimes it can be a bit obnoxious.
The ride was delightful, but with one exception. Yappy Lardass and her friend were ridiculously obnoxious, squealing and squawking like retarded seagulls. At one point, one of their ponytails whacked me (though that wasn't their fault). I was sorely tempted to pull Yappy's hair in retaliation for her dumbassery.
But despite this, I enjoyed the steep hills, the intense speed, the sharp turns. When the ride was over, Yappy was still squawking about riding the Comet again, so she and her chum could get their picture just right. But fate intervened, for as we disembarked, we were informed that The Comet was having mechanical problems and was being closed down until further notice. Cruel irony! I took some sadistic joy in knowing Yappy Lardass' plans were foiled.
But the walrus had the last laugh, for when my Uncle and I went to view our roller coaster picture I was dismayed to find that my entire face had been obscured by Yappy's fleshy white arm! The skank! I dearly love seeing the expressions I make on rides (ah, I am so vain, I know) and I was disappointed and irritated. But there was no point in dwelling upon it, so my uncle and I set off to do something else.

Next, we rode The Pirate Ship. It's one of my favorites, but I remember very little of this ride. I don't think we got one of those prime back-row seats, but I still had a fine time. I always enjoy riding one of these, despite being very afraid of them as a young girl.
My memory gets very hazy right about now. I know we rode The Sasquatch a few times. At one point on the Launch Tower, I noticed the Velcro strap of my sneaker had come undone. When I was younger, this would have made me panic. But now I merely laughed, and lifted my foot up to fix, while I was 192 feet in the air! I also remember marveling over the view from the launch tower, for the sun was going down, the sky was lavender, and the moon was a gorgeous pearl in the sky. I don't remember the exactly when this happened, only how gorgeous the sky was. My memory is like that. I can't tell you where my socks are, but I can tell you how beautiful the moon was, on an early summer evening, nearly a year ago.

We also rode The Boomerang for a second time. My uncle wanted to sit in the last car, but I refused, because that car goes to the very top of the coaster. While I now enjoyed the Boomerang, I still dreaded the part of the ride where it sits still, over 50 feet in the air. As it was, I was really surprising myself by riding this coaster twice in one day. I remember thinking that 10 years ago, I wouldn't have even imagined having fun on this coaster, willingly riding it more than once. I felt impressed with myself. After my second time on the Boomerang, I noticed I'd begun to develop a headache. But I shrugged it off, and went to ride some more rides with my uncle.

Next chapter...Our adventure at the Great Escape ends, but the day still isn't over!

Top 10 most ridiculous things a woman can do to her body

I'm going to take a short break from my memoir to write a quick list of beauty treatments I find to be impractical and silly. I am not responsible for anyone getting offended by my opinions.


1. Vajazzling
According to Cosmopolitan, the biggest trend right now for personal grooming is bedazzling your vulva. That's right, those same cute little rhinestones you put on your denim jackets, you can now put on your genitals! Fortunately for the vain and silly women who do this, the rhinestones aren't applied the traditional way. After removing all the pubic hair, little rhinestones are glued to the mons and labia majora, often in little patterns and designs.
When I first found out about this new fad, I was speechless. Then I felt a combination of amusement and disgust. Who actually does this? Strippers? I can imagine strippers putting little rhinestones on their bits. Then I thought, why would someone want to do this? Would I want to have sex with a woman who bedazzles her privates?
The answer is no. No I would not, nor can I imagine anyone, male or female, wanting to have intercourse with a woman who does this. Men in particular, I think would be turned off by a twat that rivals Edward Cullen in sparkle. Most people I know don't really care how "pretty" their partner's genitals are, as long as they're clean and disease free. And while some people like a neatly groomed pussy, I think adding rhinestones is taking it a bit too far.

2. Vaginal Makeup
This little trend, I also heard about from Cosmopolitan. Apparently, another cool thing to do to your vagina is to have it injected with dyes to make it look pinker. What!? Who cares if it looks pinker? The only time the appearance of a woman's genitals is important is if she's a porn star or a stripper. Their careers depend on having a pretty poonani.

3. Vaginal Plastic Surgery
While we're on the subject of altering your genitals to make them look "better", let's discuss the big enchilada. It seems women are getting plastic surgery to make their vaginas tighter, and their labia smaller, all in the hopes of having a more pleasing visage to their private parts.
Why are women enduring the torment of scalpels, needles, dyes and glue? If I know how most women behave, they're probably doing it to please a partner. This is just pitiful. A good partner is someone who likes your body just the way it is, and doesn't demand that you change your body just to please them. If someone is getting plastic surgery because they think their partner won't like their body the way it is, then maybe they should reevaluate their self-esteem, and broach the subject with their partner, asking he or she how they feel about the matter.
I do however want to point out that some women have their pelvic floor muscles surgically tightened for medical reasons, and not just so they can feel like a virgin again.

4. Breast Implants
If done right, they can almost be pleasant to look at, but otherwise, they're just creepy. They're too round, for one thing. Real breasts aren't usually perfectly round. Larger ones tend to have a slight droop. For a second thing, they defy gravity. When the woman with silicone breasts moves around, her tits don't move with her. Real breasts tend to wobble all over the place. They bounce, they jiggle, they quiver. I've never seen a pair silicone hooters do any of those things.
Really large implants always look like they're about to explode. This is probably because the skin is stretched too tight. They look hard and painful, they look unpleasant to to the touch.
Breast implants can also go wrong. The bags can ripple (especially if it's a saline bag) and make the breasts look weird. I'm sure there is a myriad of problems that breast implants can cause if done badly. Rippling bags are just one.
Do men prefer false boobs over real? Most men I know don't. Most men say they prefer the real thing. But women keep getting them, thinking they'll only be beautiful if they have large breasts. Large breasts are a curse, trust me. The back pain, painful marks from your straps digging into your shoulders, the skin rashes and the humiliation of being stared and commented at when you go out, none of that is worth being "beautiful". Not by a long shot.

5. Anal bleaching- What?! Bleach is for your laundry, not your asshole! Who would put a harmful chemical in such a place? Why would someone put a harmful chemical in such a place? Another silly trend started by porn stars, idiots bleach their leather cheerio in hopes of making the skin around the anus look lighter and as wikipedia puts it "More uniform with the surrounding area". Like most of the beauty treatments I've listed here, there really isn't a medical reason to do this, it's all about vanity.

6. Lip Injections-
Known as "The Trout Pout" this ridiculous trend has been around for awhile, and is rampant among starlets. Basically, one injects their lips with collagen until they're large and lush. Unfortunately, it looks terrible. It's so obviously fake, and like breast implants, it looks like your lips are going to explode in a shower of gore. Eventually the collagen wears off, and the lips start to sag. But in their swollen glory, these Trout Pouts make the lady sporting them look, in my opinion rather vapid and slutty. Add some gooey lip gloss, and the Stupid Spoiled Whore look is complete. But don't get me wrong, lips that are already full and lush by genetics, are often very gorgeous, just look at Angelina Jolie. I'd love to be kissed by her.

7. Latisse
Some people have little to no eyelashes. This, is a problem as eyelashes are necessary to protect the eye. So doctors will prescribe them a drug called Latisse, which makes one's eyelashes grow in. However, some women are using the drug solely for cosmetic purposes. Unfortunately, one of the side effects is a permanent darkening of the irises and the skin around the eye! It also causes skin irritations. Is having long lush lashes worth such a disfigurement? Can't you put on mascara? I understand that some people need this drug because they have an actual problem, but if you just want a fuller flutter, then just get some mascara and an eyelash curler.

8. Extreme dieting
Don't even get me started on how stupid extreme dieting is In fact, I don't even know where to begin, there are just too many unhealthy, impractical and idiotic fad diets that stupid, vain women waste their money and their time on. Imbibing foul concoctions in hopes of shedding weight fast, eating only certain foods, in certain amounts. Popping pills of all kinds. It's a slippery slope into Eating Disorderville. Unfortunately, most of the crash diets either don't work at all, or either make you lose weight fast, only to gain it back as soon as you go off the diet. If you want to lose weight, eat healthy and exercise. No, it's not easy, and not everyone can afford to eat healthy, but it's safer for your body than fucking around with extreme dieting.

9. Personal Freshness Products
There seems to be a cultural phobia of vaginal odor. Fear sells, so there's a market for various sprays, washes, wipes and powders all claiming to make your most special area smell fresher than a daisy. Most of these products contains perfumes that irritate the delicate skin of the vulva. But women use them anyway, afraid that if they don't have a perfect, sweet smelling vagina, that they will become social outcasts. I hate to tell you ladies, but when you go out on the street, no one is going to be sticking their nose between your legs to see if your vagina's odor is socially acceptable.
Anyway, it is normal to have a slight odor down there. The only time odor should be a problem is if it's fishy, and accompanied by a foul discharge. At this point, Pussy Perfume will do nothing to save you, the best thing to do is go to a doctor.
If you're concerned about "vaginal freshness", then just gently wash your vulva with warm water and mild soap. There's no reason to hang an air freshener in there.

10. Tanning Beds
Apparently, nothing says 'sexy" like having a golden tan. Some people do this the old fashioned way, by slathering themselves in suntan lotion and lying outside under the sun. Others prefer to go to tanning beds.
Tanning beds are ridiculous for both reasons of vanity and health. First of all it looks tacky, being that crispy shade of brownish orange. It looks really trashy and really fake to me. I used to know girls who would tan so much that their skin would actually match their hair color perfectly. It was just very unflattering. Not to say that being tan looks bad. A light tan can actually be rather attractive. A little golden brown tint to the complexion looks nice. But when I see white girl who's baked herself to an unnatural shade of tan, I tend to be disgusted.
Then there are the health risks. These beds give people concentrated doses of harmful rays that cause skin cancer. And nothing is sexier than cancer, right? Wrong.
I'd rather be pale and unattractive than sexy, tan and doomed to die of cancer.
And sure, instead real tanning you can get a spray tan, but let's be serious here, those are even tackier than going to a tanning bed.