This week, I tried reading the pop culture phenomenon Fifty Shades of Grey. For those of you living under a rock, Fifty Shades is an erotic novel that originally started off as a Twilight fan fiction. Really. I am not joking. This mysterious housewife, named E L James, wrote a long dirty story about Edward and Bella bumping uglies and spanking each other. Some asshole thought that if it weren't a fan fiction, it would sell decently on the sexy fuck stories market. Unfortunately, they were right.
The revamped story now features a plain, clumsy but oddly intriguing young dumbass named Anastasia Steele. Who stupidly signs a contract making her the love slave of a mysterious, sexy CEO named Christian Grey. Sounds hot, right? Apparently some people thinks it's hot.
So why did I hate it so much? Oh, let me count the ways...
1. The prose is atrocious. E L James tries to be descriptive and witty, but just falls flat. It reads like it had been penned by a naive 13 year old girl. Or an uneducated housewife with no writing skills. The characters are bland and predictable. Especially the milk toast protagonist, Ana. Of course she likes to read British literature. Of course she's clumsy. That's the cliche flaw of every boring, helpless heroine these days, thanks to the popularity of the Queen of Klutz, Bella Swan. Of course she's a shy virgin. Oh, and Ana's inner monologue? Redundant. It's always "Holy fuck" or 'Holy Hell" or "Oh my God". She's about as exciting as going to the DMV. You can tell this was originally a Twilight fan fiction, there's a definite lack of smooth transition from dirty internet smut to dirty commercial smut.
2. The sex scenes are hilariously awful. This ties in with the bad prose. E L uses the anatomically correct terms during all of her sex scenes. Penis, vagina, clitoris, pubic hair. She doesn't use any euphemisms or slang terms common in erotica. Using all these clinical terms makes me think of biology class. It's like my old biology teacher is telling us about sex while he's wearing black lace lingerie. That's how unsexy it is.
What's more, is that her scenes are unrealistic. Sex is not usually good the first time. At least it isn't for most people. And very few women actually have orgasm from having their breasts fondled, but not having any genital stimulation. Like I said earlier, it sounds like a naive teenager wrote this. I understand that it's supposed to be fantasy, and maybe if it were written better it wouldn't be so horrendous.
Also the tampon sex scene near the end? No. Just...no. Having a guy yank out your tampon and fuck you is not erotic. It's just creepy.
3. From what I've heard, the relationship between Ana and Grey is inaccurate as far as Dom/Sub relations go. Grey would lead one to think that all doms are controlling, abusive and are this way because mommy didn't love them or some shit. Frankly, FSG makes BDSM look bad. The lifestyle already gets a bad enough rap, why make it worse, E L, why? I don't think the author knows too much about BDSM. Many have pointed out that a lot of the sadomasochistic practices in this book are portrayed in an unsafe manner. Ana is ill-informed of the things she must do, and according to an blog I will post at the end of my entry, ill-cared for in the aftermath. I also get the feeling that most doms and subs leave the commands and the orders in the bedroom. Grey controls every aspect of Ana's life. I am concerned for the idiots who think that FSG is an accurate depiction of the BDSM lifestyle.
4. Like the series it was inspired by, FSG seems to glorify the idea that control equals love. That true love will soothe the hurts of having an asshole partner. It does not. Having been in abusive relationship, I know love conquers shit, and soothes nothing. Grey is abusive. He pretty much brainwashes an innocent girl (though she was bland to begin with, so there's not much to wash away in THAT brain pan.), and makes her his slave both in the bedroom and out. He keeps her like a fucking pet and does not allow her to make her own choices or have any control. She is utterly dependent on him, just as he wants it.
What concerns me is that there will be stupid women who think that these things are OK in a relationship, or that this how BDSM works.
I couldn't even finish this book. I was that disgusted. I tried reading from the beginning. I was bored by the bland prose. I tried reading the sex scenes. I was disgusted, and amused by how badly written they were. All in all, I found Fifty Shades of Grey to be bland, cliche, misogynist drivel. Anyone who thinks it's well-written or sexy needs to get their head checked.
Maybe I wouldn't hate this book so much if it were well-written. If it were well-written, the concept of a naive girl selling herself into erotic slavery would be an interesting read. Especially if, when she leaves Grey at the end (whoopsie, spoiler alert) she stays gone, and doesn't go crawling back to him in the sequel.
But alas, FSG is badly written, cheap smut and Ana's 'Inner Goddess' (she uses this term erroneously in my opinion) is really just an inner doormat, so none of that shit is gonna happen any time soon.
The end. If you disagree with my harsh opinion of a ridiculous attempt at literature, and actually think Fifty Shades of Grey is hot shit, please leave my page and promptly fuck yourself. Probably while pretending you're Ana and your vibrator is Grey. You sick wanker.
